Death Nuts
by xxbeyondxbirthdayxx
Summary: If you thought that Light with the death note in his hands was bad... All the DN characters are back to life, but some of them die again, doing strange and ridiculous things before their death. Matt, Mello, what did you do this time? Prank time!
1. Chapter 1

_**Note: **Here's what you get when I need to write funny things to lighten the mood from my fic Lithium.  
Death Nuts, best known as 'when xxbeyondxbirthdayxx is cracking up'. Short chapters, pure nonsense, totally AU ^^  
Just because I'm an a**hole, I won't take the blame for this fic, you can blame MysticalTears, I got the idea while I was messaging with her.  
Just kidding, thank you Rebecca, and consider this a belated (beyond) birthday present!_

_

* * *

_Light was sipping his coffee in the trendy bar he liked to go to on saturday afternoons. Because it was crowded, and so there would be enough people admiring his handsomeness to flatter his gigantic ego.  
You could almost see his hair sparkling. If Misa looked like a Barbie girl, Light was more than obviously Ken.  
Did he have a plastic bulge instead of a dick, no one knew, and certainly not Misa. Maybe L? Who knows what they had done while they were handcuffed?  
Misa had fallen for the "Misa, you're so pure to me, we can't do it before we get married!", stupid chick. She never suspected the lie, not even after Light had added: "You know Misa, I don't think you should marry a guy like me, I don't deserve you!"  
And L wouldn't tell, so what's in Light's pants will always be a mystery, something people dream they could see, something that is said to be a marvel, and yet no one can prove the existence of it.  
Light has named his dick Shangri-la. Coincidence?  
I don't think so. The triangle in his bermuda... many things are said to have happened there, but no one came back to talk about it...

So, Light suddenly stood up, walked out of the bar to the huge place in front of it, and stopped in front of the big stone fountain.  
He undressed, humming loudly 'You can leave your hat on' and throwing each piece of cloth in the air with wide movements, wagging his butt like a chippendale. He had no hat, so he kept his socks instead. Snoopy socks.  
Then, climbing on the fountain's border, he screamed at the top of his lungs: "I am the king of dumbasses!", dived into the fountain, that was not deep enough for such an action, crashed his head at the bottom, and died a few seconds later, tainting the water red.

"Mello, my turn!" Matt whined, trying to pull the Death Note from Mello's hands.  
"Who are you gonna choose?" Mello glared at his boyfriend with a sceptical look.  
"Takada, that bitch!"

The redhead began to write, the tip of his tongue poking out of his mouth, Mello glancing at the note and barking like a hyena at the sight of Matt's plans for Queen of Sluts.

If you thought that Light with the death note in his hands was bad... XD


	2. Chapter 2

_**Note:** I never though someone would actually read chapter 1, and I'm not even ashamed to provide chapter 2... There won't be lemons in this fic, but a handful of nuts!  
I so hate Takada..._

**_Who's gonna be killed next? The reviewer who guesses gets a MattxMello one shot on the topic of his choice!_**

_

* * *

_Kiyomi Takada always thought she was beautiful. Well, considering the amount of make up (animal tested, of course) and various creams she put on her face, anyone would look good with the colored mask she wears.  
And she's the type to wear real fur, too. Unacceptable.  
That only proved she was an ugly bitch inside, so she could make herself as pretty as she wanted on the outside, no guy would want to date her and risk to be obliged to put his dick in the insides of such a rotten filth.  
Except Light of course. Which could add proof to the fact that he has a plastic bulge where his 'Shangri-la' resides, indeed. No man caring for his jewels would approach Takada, I'm pretty sure that dipping your tralala in Takada makes it fall instantly, dry and out of vitality. Like tigers penises used as aphrodisiac in China. Blah. Disgusting.

Kiyomi Takada was shopping in her local cruelty-filled cosmetics aisle mall. She was scrutinizing ingredients lists and filling her basket feverishly. Face cream, body lotion, hair treatment, lipstick, foundation... enough to supply all Tokyo bitches for a month.  
She got home, and filled her bathtub. It took her long minutes to pour some of this bubble bath liquid, some of these bath salts, some of that anti-whatever milk, but it was finally filled. She undressed, letting her Prada skirt, shirt and real fur vest fall on the tiled floor (because the devil wears Prada, of course), and walked to the tub, hurrying to preserve her fragile and oh-so-pretty US size 11 feet from the cold, and, sadly, slipped on that cute little tube of strawberry scented gloss that she, not knowing why actually, had put on the floor.  
Her head hit the floor, staining her expensive fur outfit, that was spread not far away, with her blood, but sadly not close enough to absorb the shock with the soft mink fur, and she died after a long agony, her face turned in a way that forced her to look at the tiny gloss tube that was a few inches from her eyes, as they closed irremediably and forever: "tested on animals". All minks in minks heaven hailed to whoever avenged them (and I think I heard champagne caps pop).

"That was a good idea, but I would really have loved her to hang herself with her bra, that bitch!" spat Mello at the memory of how Takada had tricked him in the truck.  
"Yeah, but she was the Kira of animals, she deserved to die like this!" replied Matt, his big puppy eyes looking at Mello, who patted him on the head.  
"Mmh, now who? Oh, I know!" Mello exclaimed, grabbing the Death Note from Matt's lap, making sure to grope him in the process.  
"Mello! We're on a public bench!" Matt complained, blushing.  
Mello pecked him on the cheek and grinned at the thought that crossed his mind, the pen scritching on the paper.  
"Who?" Matt asked, a bit scared by Mello's sadistic expression.  
"You're going to see it yourself, Mattie dear!" Mello smirked.


	3. Chapter 3

_**Note:**__ Josephine Falnor is the winner for she guessed right! The fic I wrote for her is named "Ornament", it's a oneshot on a subject she requested, you can find it under my profile!  
The game is still on, so **you can try to guess who's next and win a fic** on the topic of your choice! (only limits: has to be MxM, and no Matt leaving Mello or the other way around, and no character's death.)_

* * *

The black haired man hurried through the crowd. He wasn't late, for he was _never _late. But anyway, he always hurried, just in case. There was no way he would not respect his schedule, and what was next for him was vital.  
He opened the door to his apartment at 4:58:32pm, deposited his bag and coat at their usual place at 4:59:03pm, grabbed a can of ice tea and a glass in the kitchen at 4:59:48pm, sat on his couch and lit the tv at 5:00pm, just in time for the important program he never missed. Teletubbies. Yes, Mikami loves watching the Teletubbies. Why? Isn't it obvious? Because of the strict schedule Lala, Po, Dipsy and Tinky Winky respect, of course. The sun rises, the Teletubbies say hello, they do various things, then there is a small real life part, then the creatures do their stuff again, and they all say goodbye, never being late, never in advance,_ just in time_. Mikami wishes he lived in the Teletubbies world, with people and rabbits that always respect the schedule. Schedule is life.

Once the tv was off and the glass empty, something terrible happened. Mikami looked at the huge wooden clock, just to verify it was 5:20pm exactly, but... _it wasn't_, oh my Kira!  
Mikami jumped to his feet, almost fainting at the horrible sight of the clock that had the audacity to be two seconds late. How dare this old seventy inches tall mahogany clock be _late_?  
Mikami couldn't even think of the word, let alone utter it. It was worse than saying 'fuck' or 'shit'!

_Late_... the forbidden word. It was like a password to another world on the other side of the clock, a world of chaos you would enter in a bit like with the Narnia wardrobe, but instead of fauns, lions and centaurs, Mikami would find himself in the role of the white rabbit. Mikami in Latenessland. And he would be late late late!  
Oh dear, he had palpitations just thinking about that.

He pulled a chair in front of the clock so he could reach the clockwork and fix the time. Unfortunately, one of the chair's feet broke, Mikami lost his balance, tried to get a grip on the clock, who staggered, and finally fell, loudly and irremediably crushing Mikami under its weight.

"Sakujo!" Mello exclaimed as he gazed at his watch, grinning.  
"Ah, why him? I thought you would kill some others first." Matt asked, clueless.  
"Because he worshipped Light, and if there's someone to worship here, it's me!" Mello pouted.  
"Yeah Mello, don't worry, I'll kiss your boots tonight when we get home, so you feel better." Matt teased.  
"Yeah yeah, better kiss my ass..." Mello mumbled.  
"Mello! You know I will..." Matt blushed, "Anyway, now's my turn! And I know who's next... I have some cleaning to do among all those people turning around you like vultures!"


	4. Chapter 4

_**Note:**__ Kyoko Keehl is the winner of the second "who's gonna die next" contest! The fic I wrote for her is named "Bubbles", it's a one shot on a subject she requested, you can find it under my profile!  
__**The game is still on, so you can try to guess who's next and win a fic on the topic of your choice! (only limits: has to be MxM, and no Matt leaving Mello or the other way around, and no character's death.)**_

* * *

Long blond hair flew in the breeze as the woman walked past her window, only dressed with a towel around her. What would she wear today?  
She walked from her closet, searching through her numerous dresses, but couldn't decide, to another wardrobe filled with pants and shirts.  
What would he like? She went for black pants, a black shirt too. He loved black, she told herself.  
She slid her feet into delicate black boots, then grabbed her black raincoat.  
Damn rain, it would ruin her hairdo! She applied some red lipstick as she passed in front of her corridor mirror.  
Then she went back on her tracks, to her bathroom, deciding that some perfume would be some more seduction. Chocolate perfume.

Yes, Halle Lidner hoped that today, she would be abducted by Mello again. But this time, she would be ready, beautiful and... he wouldn't resist her.  
He hadn't showed in her bathroom, but maybe, when she would exit her apartment?  
She was running out of patience. Everyday. EVERYDAY she waited, hoping he would show again. Damn, how could he have resisted the first time? She was almost naked! No one resisted Halle Lidner.  
Not Gevanni. Not Rester. Not even Near. And who would have thought Near had a sexuality? Not you, and certainly not me (yuuuuck!)  
But that's beside the point. Even if yes, Halle was a bit of a nymphoman. Or she was overly frustrated that she couldn't have Mello.

So when she exited her bathroom after spraying herself with chocolate perfume, she hoped, for the umpteenth time this week, for Mello to show up.

She began to run in the streets, trying to stop a taxi as rain drenched her. She pulled her black raincoat over her head to protect her perfect hairdo, and ran faster.

Suddenly, a man irrupted from an adjacent street, eyes widened by an obvious LSD high, and jumped on Halle, strangling her as she fell on the pavement, the man falling with her and landing on her stomach, still clutching at her throat.  
"Batmaaaaaaaaan, DIE Batmaaaaaaaaaaaaaan!!!" he yelled, again and again, his grip tightening more and more.

When Halle stopped moving, her face color changing to a light blue hue, the man stood up, laughing hysterically.  
"Hahahahaha Batman, here's for wearing your briefs above your pants, you fag! Now I have to find Superman!" he shouted, crossing the street like a madman and suddenly running to a guy dressed with blue dungarees and wearing a moustache.  
"Mariooooooo come here! I've got something for you hahahaha!" he screamed as the poor old man tried to hide in the nearest store.

"Matt you freak, I should have been the one to kill her, I was the one she harassed after all!" Mello whined.  
"That's precisely _why_ I killed her, Mello. You're mine." Matt replied, kissing Mello on the cheek.  
"Yeah, I don't know why she always thought I would fall for her, I mean, the only blonde I love is myself, she can't compare." Mello said, grinning.  
"You're so modest Mello, but it's true, she can't compare to you, she wouldn't even match your beauty!" Matt purred.  
"And certainly not yours..." Mello jumped on Matt, who squealed of pleasure, and blushed because of the compliment.... "But before I prove you I'm yours, I'd like to write someone's name in the death note... I have some fun ideas..." Mello's smiles turned devilish, and even Matt shivered.


	5. Chapter 5

_**Note:**__ Sorry, I had left this fic behind for a while, but here's chapter 5 (and probably the next chapters soon!)  
Congratulations to Kyoko Keehl, snappygirl, MysticalTears, Mello aka HeavenCat and angellovedark, who guessed right: it's Misa's turn to die muahahaha! The oneshots I promised will be written with a delay, but I wanted to post this chapter now anyway, so please be patient!  
And sorry for the chihuahua lovers... hehehe ^^  


* * *

_

The girl was jumpy today: the Lucky Packs she had ordered by Baby The Stars Shine Bright, the famous japanese gothic lolita brand, would arrive soon. How impatient she was! She would be all pretty tonight for her date with Liiiiight-chaaaaaaaaaaan! (who was still bathing in bloody water in a fountain, but that's another story...)

The postman rang to her door, and she ran (as much as you can run with tiny high heels pink fluffy sleepers on your feet) to open it, squealing at the sight of the man with huge pink packages in his arms. She almost tripped him when she grabbed the long awaited order, slamming the door shut to the nose of the poor guy who felt like he just had been hit by a tsunami. A very strange, frilly, lacy, furry tsunami. Yes, Misa was as much of an animal lover than Halle and Kiyomi Takada: she loved them dead and in clothes shape.  
The postman was used to have furry things jumping on him when he delivered mail, but it was usually dogs, not bitches (pun intended). He sighed, and left, rubbing his painful ears. Misa's voice is classified as number two on the list of the most noisy things in the world with 110db registered at its highest pitch (and the first ones are planes with 120db).

Scratch. The first layer of plastic is ripped open. Scratch. The second layer too.  
A black and pink skirt. Black overknee socks. A pink cutsew. A black hoodie with rabbit ears. Pink headbows. Black bloomers with pink lace.  
Misa-Misa was happy-happy!

She quickly got rid of what she was wearing, which didn't take much time since she was always half naked, and tried her new outfit on.  
Once she was fully dressed (well, if you can call that fully dressed since half of her boobs were showing off, along with most of her thighs), she rummaged in her shoes stock to find the adequate ones, and walked in front of her mirror to look at herself.

And, at the sight of her cute (well, cute at her eyes, but you know what it is, you can dress a chihuahua with the prettiest doggy dress, it's still an ugly thing with big ears and protruding eyes which breath smells of dog food... and strangely, most people thought that Misa talking and a chihuahua barking were really alike), Misa squealed even louder, and BLING!  
The mirror exploded like a window with the voice of a castafiore.  
A sharp piece flew through the space separating the broken glass and the gothic lolita, ripping her throat open.

So much for the cute outfit, stained with blood and that the cleaning maid wouldn't even be able to resell on egl_comm_sales on Livejournal, what a pity...

Matt was laughing his ass off.  
"Mello, you shouldn't have made her bleed on her clothes, so you could have stolen them and cross dressed for me." he pouted cutely, looking at his boyfriend.  
"Matt, you're sick. If one of us should wear a dress someday, that surely won't be me." Mello grinned, as he thought of Matt dressed in Baby The Stars Shine Bright. Oh yeah, that would be... kinky.  
"Ok, my turn!" Matt chuckled at the idea that just stroke him...


	6. Chapter 6

_**Note:**__ I had the idea for this chapter for long, just didn't have the courage to move my lazy a** and write it...__  
You'd better read previous chapter in case you forgot it, because it's related. And now, there's a bit of plot, who could have believe that? But it's still crack, this hasn't changed ^^ I just thought that just killing a person in each chapter wouldn't be fun after a few ones, and I didn't want to kill the good people (I mean, the ones I like or at least don't dislike *lol*)_

About the fic I owe to the winners for last chapter's death, I didn't forgot! Since you were many to win and requested quite similar things for the oneshot I owe you, I decided to write a common fic, it's just taking longer since I still don't know if it will be a one shot or not, it seems to be on a way to a multichaptered fic (that would be fair since you were several to win!)  


* * *

The man was driving, the traffic being light at the moment, while whistling along with the radio of his huge and classy black car. He had just concluded a big deal with one of the most important gun trafficants of the city, and he would celebrate that in his penthouse. He looked briefly at the passenger's seat: he had the expensive wine, the caviar, the cigars, and even some champagne. Should he have bought condoms? He wondered as he thought that celebrating alone wasn't an option.

"Matt, I have something to do, I won't be long." Mello said out of the blue as the redhead closed the black notebook and put it in his lap. The blond stood up from the bench where they both sat and left the park in a hurry.

The fat man suddenly turned left, then right, and parked in front of a cosy apartment complex. He didn't exactly know why he felt the urge to come here, but well, something told him he had to.  
He left his car, making sure to lock it although the neighbourhood didn't seem really menacing, and entered the building.

He tapped his fingers on the glass as he looked at himself in the mirror of the elevator. He wasn't young, in his forties, but despite his fat belly, his double chin and his greasy skin where there had once been hair, he wasn't that bad looking, right? RIGHT?

He entered in an apartment, that wasn't even locked. He looked around, his mind telling him what to do although he didn't have a reason to do so.

"MATT!!!" a voice resounded, scolding and loud.  
The redhead looked in the direction of the voice and, opening wide eyes while he tried to think of an excuse, he hid the death note behind his back.  
"No need to hide it, I saw it, and I know what you did." the black haired young man stated blankly, his voice getting back to its usual emotionless tone, "Give it to me."  
"But L! We're just having some fun! And it's not like we killed anyone nice!" Matt whined.  
"I don't want to hear about that, give that death note to me, or you and Mello are going to be in trouble." L added, holding out his hand toward Matt.  
"L, please, pleaaaase... Mello's going to be mad at me if I give it to you!" Matt tried to convince the detective, but it was no use. L took the black notebook by force and left, crossing the park with his usual hunched posture and slow pace.

A blond cutie was sat on the bed, all dressed in pink. Curious, he approached and noticed that there was blood all over the room, particularly on the broken mirror. He carefully avoided walking on the glass pieces scattered on the floor. This blond beauty was appealing, and he thought that despite all this blood, he could as well try to invite her to join him to his little celebration. Maybe she had just cut herself while shaving her legs?

The blond girl stood up from the bed, and even if she was still turning her back to him, Dwight Gordon, more commonly known as Rod, could appreciate the graceful curves of the young lady in front of him. Long legs caught in pink lace, delicate hips and round ass lightly covered by a tiny peach colored skirt, slender waist and petite back secured in a blossom corset... she had obviously just painted her nails and was blowing on them.

She was so yummy that Rod couldn't help it. He closed the distance between him and the pink lady, and grabbed her shoulder to make her turn around.

Icy blue eyes looked at him, irritated, as the face turned into a scowl, and Rod fell on the ground, his head pouring blood through a bullet hole.  
Mello put back the gun in his garther, slid his feet in black stiletto boots, and grabbing a girly leather jacket in a closet, he left the apartment, uncaring for Rod and Misa's bodies lying on the carpet.

As he saw Mello approach in his girl attire, nails painted, lips covered with the cutest cherry red he had ever seen and hips swaying insanely as the blond catwalked on his stilettos to his boyfriend, he felt tight in his jeans, extremely tight.  
He quickly threw the Wall-Mart paper bag behind his back and secured the freshly bought black notebook in his backpocket as he grabbed Mello's hand and pulled him to the nearest hotel...


	7. Chapter 7

_**Note:**__ Yes, I removed what was previously chapter 7. I even had chapter 8 written and 9 begun when I just virtually threw everything out of the window. This wasn't what I wanted for this fic, and it was extremely bad. I tend to do that a lot lately, blame it on writer's block.  
So here's what chapter 7 should have been, I hope it's a bit better than the awful stuff I had previously written. Me, perfectionist? Ah, why do you think I write as Mello in co-authored fics? XD  
And this is the last chapter, since there's nothing to add. I feel this fic is over as it is, thanks for your understanding!  


* * *

_Mello was writing frantically in the notebook in front of him, his feet dangling from the desk chair.  
Matt was smoking frantically, watching the lines on the sheet get filled little by little, anxiously.

That wouldn't be easy as it was, but if the blond didn't stop writing soon, Matt feared the details would make things even more difficult for him. He considered telling Mello that the real Death Note had been taken away by L, for an instant, but even if he was known to be the laziest thing on earth, Mello's wrath was enough to turn Matt into an hyperactive being when it came to please his boyfriend. Even more when Mello wasn't even aware that what he was doing at the moment would have no consequences. Well, it would have consequences, but not without Matt's discreet intervention.

Matt sighed as Mello slammed the notebook shut at last. He suddenly felt sympathy for this God Mello prayed. God was supposed to care and try to satisfy billions of requests. Matt would only have to please Mello, and it already seemed impossible. God was some kind of superhero, right?  
He then wondered why there wasn't a game where you could play God himself. He would have had practise, at least.  
"SuperMatt..." the redhead whispered, smirking to himself.  
"SuperMatt?" Mello repeated, standing from his chair and catwalking to Matt, "Wanna show me your superpowers?" he purred, snaking his arms around Matt's neck.

Three (yes, three) hours , and six (yes, six) rounds later, Mello was sleeping soundly, and Matt sneaking out of the apartment, all dressed in black, a bonnet on his head, and a loaded gun in his waistband.  
Having stolen Mello's cellphone, he called Rod's second, since Rod was dead in the previous chapter (and yes, I'm mixing the fic and the author note, that's hype. No? I don't care! XD) and, trying to imitate Mello's voice, he gave orders. The call would state being made with the boss' phone, after all, so Matt didn't worry too much about the henchmen doubting the person calling.

Then he drove to the meeting place, and waited.  
Not long. Headlights appeared in the distance, and a few seconds later, three limos parked in the field.  
Matt had a hard time shooting them all, it's difficult to aim your targets when you're laughing that hard.  
Then he got home, undressed and slid under the covers with Mello, making sure to slip the false Death Note back in the night table drawer in the exact position where Mello had left it.

_"John Jackson, Jim Jameson, Rudy Cartwright, Liam Noble... etc etc  
Will drive to the carrot fields situated south of the Mafia hideout, dressed as bunnies, and will make the caramel dansen danse before being shot by a hunter passing by."_

As he drifted to sleep, Matt wondered what would be next for SuperMatt.  
Well, obviously, as Mello woke up, Matt knew there was a missile to stop. Yes, with _that _part of his anatomy.


End file.
